It's that wonderful time of year again. I've had my tax documents sitting on my desk since mid-March. I've promised myself to fill out the tax forms every weekend and twice a week for the last 4 weeks or so. The pile is still untouched. Here are some suggestions on how to further put off getting the job done:
1. Watch a Celebrity Rehab with Dr. Drew marathon. Try to change the channel or turn it off three or four times, and then hate yourself for not being able to turn away from such an evil and depressing show. Later, blame the marathon for your sudden urge to read the National Enquirer.
2. Try to beat a life-long aversion to fish. Cook it in a way that fish is the most scant ingredient in dinner. You can't go wrong with ODing on tomatoes, right? When dinner's ready, poke at the chunks of sole with your fork and second-guess whether or not it's cooked through. After dinner, curse that the tomatoes haven't overpowered the smell of fish in your home. Make a mental note to cook with more garlic.
3. Lie in bed and stare at the ceiling. Mistake several shadows for spiders. Curse the giant splotch of blue paint on the white stucco.
4. Watch the whole series of Monty Python's Flying Circus. Try to function for the next half week with your brain on strike. When your brain cells start regenerating, watch the whole series of Fawlty Towers.
5. Lather, rinse, repeat.
6. Move your tax forms from the desk into a more visible spot, to keep that chore at the forefront of your mind. Wiggle your toes, just to see if you can. Resolve to lose 20 lbs by walking for two hours every night. Wiggle your toes again at the end, just to see if you can.
7. Decide that you really wish you'd learned more languages. Spend the rest of the evening online looking to order a copy of Esperonto for Dummies. Order 5 different For Dummies books in the process, because you'd never thought about them before but right now they seem like an excellent idea. Imagine putting your newly-acquired juggling skills to use.
8. Promise yourself you'll do the taxes just as soon as you've finished reading the Patent Act. Then decide that the Patent Act is a little thin in the plot. Look up a word in the dictionary, and decide the dictionary is also a little thin in the plot. Create a master plan to rewrite the dictionary as soon as you've finished reading the Patent Act.
9. Come to realize that you really don't swim enough. Head to the pool to squeeze in a few laps. Get bored after 20 minutes, and consider that maybe swimming wasn't what your life was missing after all. Change plans, and become a whisky connoisseur overnight.
10. Make a list of all the things you need to do or should be doing but aren't. Promise yourself to be more focussed and disciplined. Starting tomorrow. Then read the opening chapter of half a dozen books and ultimately pass out in an anxious frenzy over how there just doesn't ever seem to be enough time.
11. Kill the evening teasing the cat.
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